Although children can have an affinity toward one parent over the other, it’s markedly atypical-outside of parental alienation-for children to idealize one parent as perfect while denigrating the other as disposable. Because most relationships don’t fit these polarized black and white characteristics, the children are required to distort and bend reality in order to fit each parent into rigid cognitive constructs. They develop a narrative to fit the contract that requires a polarized view of the alienating parent as all good and the targeted parent as all bad. The Loyalty ContractĪlienated children become desperate to maintain their loyalty contract with the alienating parent. And, as it grows, this tumor begins to negatively impact functions in the children’s heads and hearts. While multiple post-separation dynamics can contribute to its inception, the toxic attachment process that requires the children to maintain a loyalty contract to the alienating parent feeds it. It’s invasive and at risk of growing and metastasizing if ignored and left untreated. Most children simply can’t withstand nor extricate themselves from this deep and powerful attachment dynamic without intervention.Ī way to understand what’s happening to such children is to think of parental alienation as a type of psychological tumor that impacts the cognitive function in their brains and the emotional wiring to their hearts. Likewise, when the children display an attitude of hate and disrespect while resisting and refusing contact with the targeted parent, they feel loyal and loving to the alienating parent. Let that sink in: When the children show any love, interest, or affection to the targeted parent, they fundamentally feel as though they’re being disloyal and unloving to the alienating parent. The powerful alienation process, in effect, severs the relationship with the targeted parent and serves to align the children’s loyalty to the alienating parent. Although most children can endure a high-conflict divorce with resilience, very few are able to avoid the powerful force of parental alienation where one parent actively-or sometimes unwittingly-seeks to separate the other parent from their children. 1: The Rejected/Targeted Parents Misunderstand their Children and Personalize the RejectionĪlienated children are often caught in a torrent of multiple post-separation family dynamics. Rejected parents flounder and their mistakes can become fatal and sink their chances of reconciliation with their children.īy highlighting the five most frequent or common mistakes made by rejected/targeted parents, it’s my intent that they, the members of their “village,” and the professionals they encounter, will better understand and, subsequently, overcome the destructive force of parental alienation. This isn’t because they’re hopelessly flawed human beings, but because they’re in unknown and turbulent waters. ![]() In my work with rejected parents, I’ve often witnessed them be tragically seduced into making mistakes while they are in the throes of the painful, intractable, and insidious drama of parental alienation. The radiant love in their eyes turns dark and vacuous and the joyous sound of their voice turns blue and hateful. While they remain physically alive, they become increasingly emotionally dead to you. But to be rejected and hated by your own child, feeling and watching them slip away, and fearing that you’ll never see them again, is like witnessing that child die a slow death. The experience of being targeted by your co-parent is upsetting. They search for someone-anyone-to throw them a lifeline. ![]() It seems as if there’s no one to appreciate how difficult it is to stay buoyant in these deceptively calm waters. But the more they fight, the more exhausted they become. They feel the resistance and fight against it. Rejected parents can find themselves struggling against a powerful force as it pulls them further and further from the relationship they once had with their children. It’s like a riptide: hidden and forceful. Parental alienation can be difficult to recognize for anyone not experiencing it first-hand. ( This article expands on information provided in How to Respond to Parental Alienation and is meant for parents and professionals.)
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